Writing

So.  Elmore Leonard died, and that sucks and all.  But in the send offs someone reposted his "10 Tips for Writers"

I remember when Kurt Vonnegut died.  Death sucks. So it goes.  But that also brought up reposts on his take on the same theme.


Now I am not dead.  Or even dying.  Well, anymore than anyone else is.  And I am not even a famous writer.  Or a published writer.  I did half a NaNoWriMo, tho!  So I judge than I am eminently qualified to impart my wisdom on the same topic.  All over you.  Here goes:

1. Include gun content, and describe each shot and firearm in the finest detail possible.  Bad: "Sam Spade plugged the mobster with a shot from his pistol" Good: "Sam Spades .45 caliber full metal jacke 'pill' left his Wilson Combat Custom II at 963.21 feet per second and 43 and a half inches later started to drill a temporary wound cavity on it's way back to the L7 vertebra by way of the spleen and small intestine of the ne'er do well.  The projectile, in God's own caliber, came to rest in the lathe behind the plaster to the stern of said goblin"  Better, huh?
2. Write all the time, constantly every day, but not too much.  This is vital. 
3. Construct an elaborate and detailed outline for your story except when you shouldn't and then just wing the whole thing.
4. On re-write, delete all the adverbs.  Then make a game of trying to put them all back in.
5. Know the proper glass for a high ball and an Old Fashioned. 
6. 3/4 of the way through, kill off one of the protagonists best friends.  THAT'LL show em who's boss.
7. A story without a bajillion similes is like a day without sunshine.  Similes are these things, right?:  :)  :D  :-P  <3  and ^_^ 
8. I don't know what these figures of speech are called but use stuff like "he flew in just like a brick doesn't"  "he hit the sidewalk like a Pinata full of Bush's baked beans.  And organs."
9. Note the product reference?  Bush's baked beans?  Roll that beautiful bean footage?  Use those kinds of name brand references because after publishing you can sue the company for money to pay for that unsought for advertising.  How do you think Stephen King made his millions?  In my whack at a novel in a month I used Fatima Cigarettes and DeSoto automobiles.  My lawyer will call their lawyers as soon as I self publish.
10. Show don't tell.  Whatever the hell that means.