If you are a University student

And you eat laundry detergent.

AFTER the school warned you not to.

You need expelling.

Dear Student,

Thank you for attending Utah University. We received many interesting and excellent applications, only some of which we were able to accept this year. We reviewed your application very carefully and note several strong features. That is why we accepted you.  Apparently, in light of recent events, that was a mistake.  Or perhaps you cheated on entrance exams or you have excessive grade inflation in High School?  No matter.

We encourage you not to apply to any other schools unless you can retain a minder or chaperone or custodian 24/7 to keep you from harming yourself or others.  Again.  We wish you every success with your studies, or whatever, and beyond.  Dumbass. 

- The Dean