Axe Body Spray

So, I don’t know if I mentioned this, but I’m a single guy. Never had a chance after the divorce. And the chances aren’t getting any better the longer I am a bachelor the more set in my ways I get. For instance, some of my unhindered belches are majestic in quality now that I have the practice, and I don’t think I have the impulse control to suppress them if a woman was present. My example, sadly, is the Crotchety Neighbor up the street who lost his wife 30 years ago to a boating accident. (I have to resist the urge to switch to Richard Dreyfuss ‘Hooper’ voice and say, “THIS was no BOATING accident! And it wasn't any propeller; and it wasn't any coral reef; and it wasn't Jack the Ripper! It was a shark.”) That Neighbor, HE knows how to be set in his ways. He likes things the way he likes them and the heck with anyone else.

But I thought there was hope for me. I saw it on the TeeVee. I went out and bought some of that Axe Body Spray, for Men.

All I had to do, I figured was spray it on me and get stampeded by a horde of bikini clad supermodels. It wouldn’t be any long-term relationship with a special someone to cherish, share a life, and grow old with, but beggars can’t be choosers, and a one night stand with a few hundred jiggle-num-nums is a decent consolation prize.

So I got me some Axe spray and stood in my front yard and commenced spraying. I went ahead and removed my shorts before I started, both to save time, and to save them getting ripped off. I LIKED that pair of shorts, and supermodels can be so impatient, ripping clothes off with their teeth and long fingernails. Or so I hear. I didn’t actually meet any. Supermodels, that is. I must have used the wrong spray. I must have bought the Axe spray that only brings cops, because THEY showed up right quick. Things I learned? Read the fine print on the men’s cologne packaging, TASERS don’t hurt as much as I assumed they would, but Pepper Spray hurts a lot more than I ever imagined. Stingee!
Gun content: The local constabulary appears to use 9mm Glocks. But not on me. So it was a good day.