Have I got a great economic/survival opportunity for YOU.
Don't be the only one on your block without one. A Mayan End Of the Calendar, End of Existence Bug Out Bag.
You know how big gov't projects move at a glacial rate? What makes you think the gov't won't mess this big project up, too? You'll be staring at your feet waiting for the whole thing to get on with it. Don't be left flat footed! You need a Patented Mayan BoB from T-Bolt Survival Industries! Available now for a limited time! (it's patented, so no one steal my idea. pretty sure there will be lawyers in the afterlife. well, some afterlifes.)
Included in your Bug Out Bag:
Condoms, 9, cuz you don't want to catch any STDs on the final 3 days because of all the frantic panicky love making with total strangers. Besure to stretch before hand. Drink plenty of fluids. Thank you partner after. Just because the world is ending doesn't mean we have to be uncivilized, uncouth barbariand
3 MRE, 3 Dasanti water bottles, 3 sporks. (Most BoBs would forget to include the sporks. And that's how we go the extra mile at T-Bolt Survival Industries.)
Wool socks, pair, extra itchy. This is survival, son, you're supposed to be roughing it, and roughing means discomforts. Put those socks on. Do it!
Speaking of that, a ziplock back containing a roll of generic terlet paper. Scratchy, but not extra scratchy. I'm not a total sadist
Duck Tape, 1 roll. It's good for everything. Especially taping up ducks. Go down to that pond where the Geese always hissed at you and your family. You weren't allowed to touch em before cuz of federal law and migratory bird protections and bribes from Canuckistan to Ted Kennedy. Well no one will care at the end of the world. Go head and wrap em up in Duck Tape like a silver-gray wriggle mummy with loose feathers. Hiss at THAT you filthy feathered poop machines.
Cigarettes, 3 packs. Pall Mall Kings. What, are you worried about, lung cancer? Are you worried you don't have a filter? Scroo that, smoke up. Be manly and look cool at the end of the world with extra long unfiltered nicotine delivery sticks. Mmmmm, that satisfies. Flavor country. Cancer Shmancer. No one likes a quitter.
Book of matches.
Liquor, 1 bottle. My bag will have bourbon. Dunno what you're get. I hope it's not something crappy like Gray Goose or Sterno fuel.
Genuine Swiss-Army type knife.
Allahu Snackbar brand energy bars, now fortified with vitamin Q.
Assorted Chiclets
All contained in this handy, semi-durable tote bag. (Ignore the PBS logo, please.)
Normally these survival kits sell for $89.95, but they can be yours for the low low LOW price of $49.95.
Please send cash payments along with a self addressed stamped envelopes to T-Bolt Survival Industries care of this radio station.
And now back to our regularly scheduled program.
7 comments:
Please add Altoids to your BOB. We want fresh breath at the end of the world, please.
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Can I use it for the Day After the November 2012 Presidential Election?
Are the assorted Chiclets for using with the condoms? Just wondering?
Toss in a roll of toilet paper; if you're going to kiss your ass goodbye on the final day, you want it to be clean.
Good one! :-) And yeah, TP is a necessity!!!
if you market it, it will sell. Dare ya :)
"Hiss at THAT you filthy feathered poop machines."
LOL. Glad I didn't have a mouthfull of coffee when I read that. I hate those friggen birds...when they're alive, anyway...
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